Monthly Archives: June 2012

Posh? Or just getting standards in my old age?

I always considered myself a bit of a working class Duck, as my whole purpose in life is to be a life-partner style companion to Kate. A Duck-in-Waiting, if you will. So, because of this, I thought I might feel a little out of place at Royal Ascot on Saturday when I had the opportunity to go. I got myself all dressed up, made sure there were enough skins layers to keep me warm, and set off.

I have to say, my initial impression was one of great excitement and anticipation. I was surrounded by beautifully turned out ladies and gentlemen, top hats and tails and everything! Bottles of champagne popped around my ears and I basked in this glimpse into the upper echelons of society, enjoying a window into their world. This.did.not.last.long!

We strolled through to the main part, where we were going to daintily sit around eating crumpets and drinking tea (or something like that), but when the man on the ticket gate took our raspberry liqueur off us because it was ‘spirits’ (come off it!), I had a sinking feeling – and I’m a Duck…sinking feelings tend to be bad! This was further compounded when we got in and were instantly engulfed by a huge crowd of mingling people (and a husband and wife having a tearful row) struggling to find a tiny patch of grass that we could call home for the following 4 racing hours. When we eventually found a tiny patch miles away from everywhere and still surrounded by people, we were able to place our bets in peace. This lasted all of 15 minutes when, out of nowhere, slices of bread flew through the air. Then half a French stick. Then a Ginsters pasty landed in the middle of our picnic food. Hmm. Our afternoon was punctuated by a variety of different baked goods landing on or near our picnic area, groups of inebriated fellows plumbing the depths of the English language and then followed up by witnessing a  fist fight on the way back to the car-park. The only conclusion I can draw from this experience is that working class or no working class, I may be too much of a snob to enjoy Royal Ascot. I think I need to go up in the world…how do you get tickets to the Chelsea Flower Show? I think that may be more my scene.



Categories: Duck, Duck's soapbox | Tags: , , | 2 Comments

Hey Duck…you want some lemonade?

Hey Duck…you want some lemonade?

An’ he waddled away,waddle, waddle…


This is my new favourite catchy song. Waddle waddle.

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , | 1 Comment

Introducing a new duck to our herd…swarm…pack….


Hmmm! Apparently it depends on the type of duck. We have some fairly exotic ways of identifying ourselves in the plural form…badelynge, bunch, brace, flock, paddling, raft or team. It’s also possible to have a ‘dover’ of ducks…Yep, I’ve never heard of many of those either. Not sure about ‘team’ – it seems a bit sad, a bit ‘Gooo Team Duck’ – not really my scene. But if it depends on the type of duck, then therein lies the problem we face – the new addition to our ….family…. of ducks is a different breed to me! In all honesty, I don’t quite know what I am, but the new thing is yellow, big and wears a hat (see photo). We’re fairly different, all things considered, so our collective may have to wait until we identify our relationship to each other!

Our new addition is called Saffy (short for Saffron and rhymes with Daffy…as in Duck) ‘cos he’s yellow. Yes, another key bit of info there, he’s a boy too. I can already see that we’re going to be great friends, especially as he’s volunteered to go on a lot of the photo opps that I was worried about doing. And he’s lent his lovely new, green labels to me. They are of excellent quality and will suit me down to the ground.

Having just done a quick Wikipedia of different collective nouns, there are some excellent phrases. I think my favourite is a ‘rabble’ of butterflies – surely that couldn’t be further from the floaty truth? I also liked a ‘gulp’ of cormorants, or a ‘murder’ of crows. Now that one is appropriate….bloody hate crows. Another couple of gems – a ‘piteousness’ of doves (haha, stupid beautiful doves!), a ‘whoop’ of gorillas and a ‘bloat’ of hippopotamuses. A ‘smack’ of jellyfish and a ‘scream’ of swifts. After discussion with Saffy, we’re going to be serious contenders in the duck world….we are going to adopt the collective ‘mob’ (SO much better than a ‘knob’ of wildfowl…seriously!).

So…on that note….”Introducing a new duck, Saffy, to our mob”. I’m sure we’ll be seeing a lot of you in the future!


Categories: Duck, Duck's soapbox | Tags: , , | Leave a comment

Not exactly a walk in the park…

Being a stuffed animal has its plus points – you don’t have to wash up, you don’t have to be the designated driver, and you don’t have to walk on the perilous shared foot- and cycle- paths of this fine country. No case finer in point than this weekend. A real highlight of my lovely weekend with Kate’s friends (let’s call them S and N!) was a midday stroll by the river. My natural habitat, I enjoyed the fresh air, the tranquillity, the company, the tinkle of a little cycle bell, a skidding sound and…. BANG….S got taken out from behind by an old woman on a bike. Whoa, Old Woman!

Despite profuse apologies from both sides, the old woman refused to accept the “I’m ok, it’s fine” answer and needed to torture herself with S’s gruesome injuries – she grabbed the hand with the ‘puncture’ wound and almost burst into tears, refusing to let go of it, stroking it – one step away from rubbing it on her face – like she could fix it through reiki. She offered her phone number, which was graciously refused (not sure if it was for litigation or future masochistic friendship potential), and as awkward as this was, it was also hilarious as she proceeded to tell S that she would be too shaken up to cycle home after all the trauma…..and then got back on her bike and cycled away at a steady pace….


What do a duck and a bike have in common? They both have handle bars except for the duck

Categories: Duck | Tags: , , | Leave a comment

Bit political for the dads – Duck gets serious

Well, finally, after 11 years of declining, Alistair Campbell deigned to grace the BBC 1 show HIGNFY with his godly presence. And better than that, it was one of the most political weeks for ‘Old Labour’ since they fell from power. And even better than that, Ian Hislop’s tiny face looked so delighted all the way through, I thought it would break in half horizontally. I couldn’t help but smile. And that takes a lot cos it loosens my stitching!

Hislop giggled his way through a constant onslaught of character assassination, innuendo and brute force abuse. It was hilarious for two reasons – one, because it was amusing to watch Humourless Alistair Campbell try desperately to play along, completely out of his depth. But, more importantly, it felt like a bit of sweet justice – Ian Hislop held Old Labour to account much more than any inquiry ever did. I guess that’s why Kate pays her licence fee – the BBC can still show, at times, an irreverence and satire that hits the spot for audiences. Sometimes we don’t want impartiality, we want a full-scale war. Not on Iraq though, as Hislop pointed out.
If I actually liked Campbell, I’m sure I would have disagreed with everything about it. But I’m also sure that complaints like that will be few and far between. And they’ll probably be from Liberal Demoncrats who don’t agree with the tone of the show on principle. Sometimes that’s what it takes to show people they’re not invincible.

The main downside about the Campbell Onslaught is that now Tony Blair will NEVER do it! #wastedopportunity

To lighten the heavy mood, I thought I’d share a classic track for you to disco to…enjoy!
*8 and a half weeks*

Categories: Duck's soapbox | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

10 reasons why I’m better than RyanAir

1. I can stay in the air – confidently
2. I don’t charge you £50 to stow a tiny bag
3. I don’t try and sell you stuff every minute of the slightly terrifying flight
4. I take off on time
5. I don’t feel the need to play a cheesy jingle if I land safely, on time (I consider that my job)
6. I smile
7. I don’t try and take away the in-flight magazine 30 mins from landing
8. I don’t double my prices every 3 days
9. I don’t land by nose-diving from 30,000 feet
10. (the best one) I’m not owned by Michael O’Leary.
Obviously flying is a bit of a ducksmans holiday for me, but I feel that enables me to comment on the general unpleasantness of the experience. Roll on the luxury flight of Canadian Affair.  At least that’s not a budget airline…what?! It is?! Oh…
Categories: Duck's soapbox | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Create a free website or blog at